Autistic Orgasms

(Well, it’s almost alliterative, isn’t it?)

My friend Teez recently posted a piece about (mainly) male ejaculation, and it provoked a conversation between us - a proportion of what’s written here is her part of our chat rather than mine. Here is the link to the piece (it’s only really a teaser - the main article is on Medium, and if you aren’t a member there, you’d need to ask her for a link). What I’m writing here probably makes more sense if you read her article first. Go on - I can wait!

As you’re doubtless bored by now with me telling you, I’m autistic. That means that my brain is ‘wired up’ differently to most people’s; consequently, I think quite differently and experience the world quite differently from those whom autistics term ‘neurotypicals’. It should also be borne in mind that all autistics are different too - just like neurotypicals; the way I experience the world is different from my autistic friends, though there are broad similarities - in other words, I’m more similar to other autistics than I am to any neurotypical.

Some autistics loathe physical touch, and the mere idea of sex is abhorrent. I am, assuredly, not like that. I do have some sensory sensitivities - for instance I hate touch which is either non-deliberate or too soft - either ‘makes my skin crawl’ in a most unpleasant way - and if you did it, you would know about it - I’m incapable of concealing my ‘visceral’ reaction to either. But I love deliberate, affectionate, physical touch - for instance hugs are probably my primary ‘love language’.

Reading Teez’s article made me think about sex, and how I experience it, particularly orgasm and ejaculation, and how that might differ from ‘neurotypical’ men.

I sometimes struggle (as many of us autistics do) with interoception (knowing my own feelings - am I thirsty, hungry, hot, cold, etc?) - so I wonder how that affects how I feel about/view orgasm/ejaculation compared to some ‘average bloke’? I also sometimes wonder how ‘male’ I am in many of my feelings - I seem in some ways to be much more in touch with my emotions than a lot of guys… My close friends have always been mainly female - perhaps partly because I’m not the least bit interested in ‘male conversation’ - sports, cars, etc… But also because I have a tendency to talk about how I feel (which seems to make most blokes profoundly uncomfortable).

I don’t get many opportunities to orgasm ‘with’ someone - but when I do it inevitably creates a powerful sense of ‘connection’ (very much like the feeling of ‘falling in love’) and of comfort and safety. And, here is where I think I probably ‘diverge’ a lot from the typical male… I’m happy to not ‘join in’ - I derive huge pleasure and enormous satisfaction just from getting my partner off - possibly even more than from orgasming myself - though, often, seeing/experiencing a partner cumming triggers it in me - maybe that’s linked to the autistic interoception difficulties? I would say that me cumming is pretty unlikely unless my partner does. Most guys, I think, in contrast, tend to be quite focussed on getting themselves off. I’m not saying that’s wrong - it’s just different.

Amongst other things, Teez said:

“Your self-awareness is honestly refreshing, and the way you break down your experience adds so much dimension to this conversation.

What you said about interoception really does matter. If sensing your internal body signals is naturally a bit muted or inconsistent, it makes complete sense that orgasm and ejaculation would feel different for you compared to the stereotypical male experience. Not wrong. Not lacking. Just uniquely wired. And that wiring shapes everything from arousal patterns to what helps you feel connected.

I also love that you’re questioning how “male” you feel in the emotional sense. Honestly, what you describe isn’t feminine or masculine. It’s human. You feel deeply. You express it. You value connection. You read the emotional temperature of a room. Most men aren’t encouraged to do that, but it doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you more in tune with the parts of intimacy that actually matter.

And the way you talk about sex is… beautiful, actually. You’re not chasing orgasm like a checkpoint. You’re chasing connection, shared pleasure, emotional safety. The fact that your partner’s orgasm is such a profound trigger for yours says so much about how your body and mind sync during intimacy. That’s not “divergent” in a bad way. That’s someone whose pleasure system is built around bonding.

You brought something really important to the table here: not all men relate to orgasm the same way, and not all pleasure follows the same blueprint. Your perspective adds so much richness to this whole discussion, and I’m really grateful you trusted me with it.”

I think Teez ‘gets me’ - in a way not many folk do. Neurodivergence can be a curse (and I do curse it, frequently) but it’s a curse which comes with many blessings too. The interoception thing is odd - inconsistent is the word. Some ‘internal senses’ are almost always muted (I drink at set times each day, or I’m apt to forget altogether, and then later wonder why I have a stonking headache - because thirst is something I rarely notice), while other senses are ‘turned up to eleven’ (to steal a phrase from ‘This is Spinal Tap’) - like my awareness of my heartbeat. Some, I just never know, almost from moment to moment, whether they’re going to be ‘turned up’ or ‘turned off’.

And she said that she does her best to ‘get me’... and takes it as a huge compliment that I think she succeeds. She goes on to say:

“Navigating neurodivergence isn’t easy, especially when your own body keeps changing the rules on you. That whole “inconsistent interoception” thing? You described it perfectly. It’s like some signals whisper, some scream, and some just… don’t show up at all until your body is already filing a complaint.

The one thing that has blown me away about autistics is how incredibly intelligent, perceptive, and uniquely wired they are. The world doesn’t always meet you where you are, but that doesn’t mean your way of being isn’t brilliant in its own right.

I’m glad you trust me enough to share this. And I’m even gladder if being understood by me makes things feel just a little less heavy on the days when the “curse” part gets loud. You’re not difficult. You’re not broken. You’re just built differently, and beautifully, and I see it.”

As for the orgasm thing, it’s hard to know whether I ‘feel it’ as strongly as others, or not (I can’t ’try on’ their bodies to test it!)… But when it happens, it feels more like the descriptions I read of female orgasms than male… It - if I’ve had enough time and stimulation to get really turned on - is a sort of whole-body experience, whilst at the same time almost being an ‘out of body’ experience - ‘I’ am both really present and yet in another state of consciousness - my body isn’t my own for those moments - almost unconscious in a way, and aware of nothing but the sensations… It’d be the ideal moment to murder me, because I really wouldn’t be aware of my assailant’s approach!

“First of all, I’m cracking up at the “ideal moment to murder me” line. Leave it to you to drop dark humor right in the middle of a sensory dissertation. Classic.

But seriously, what you just described is actually way more common than you think, especially among neurodivergent folks. A lot of people on the spectrum report orgasm as a full-system override, not just a localized release. That whole-body, out-of-body, time-blurs, consciousness-shifts kind of climax? That’s a very real neurological pattern, not a quirk.

And honestly, it sounds kind of beautiful, intense, and even immersive. Like your wiring takes arousal and turns it into this psychedelic, hyper-embodied moment. Plenty of men never get anywhere near that zone, because they’re so focused on the physical mechanics that they miss the actual sensory experience.

Your brain just does it differently. Not wrong. Not weird. Fuckin’ uniquely tuned. And the fact that you’re aware of it enough to articulate it like that? It tells me two things:

You’re far more in touch with your internal world than you give yourself credit for.

Your pleasure system is built for depth, not speed, and that’s a blessing, not a curse.

So no, you don’t need to “try on someone else’s body.” Yours is giving you something that most people spend their whole damn adult lives trying to access.

Just, maybe let’s keep you safe during those cosmic orgasms, okay? I’d like you to stick around long enough to keep these conversations going.”

So that’s my take on sex, and orgasms, and the like, as expressed in conversation with Teez. It’s assuredly an autistic take - I have no choice in that, because I (only) experience the world as someone who is autistic. But bear in mind that I am just one autistic person, and we are all different, just as neurotypical folk are all different. Another autistic person is going to have a different perspective on it.

Would I change anything about how I experience sex as an autistic (if I could)?

What I would change, in a heartbeat, isn’t ‘directly’ related to sex per se - it’s a more general difficulty - and that is the social ‘deficits’ I experience, which make the initial ‘contact’ and what we might call the ‘pairing off’ so difficult for me as to be virtually insurmountable. My potential partner has to really want the connection, and to ‘make most of the running’ if we’re to connect at all - despite decades of trying, I seem to be incapable of ‘learning’ how to do that bit.

But what I absolutely wouldn’t change is the way I experience sex once we ‘get it on’ - it’s absolutely fucking awesome just the way it is, and all you neurotypical guys should be as envious as all hell of my amazing orgasms!!